How bitter sweet this all is. Yes I know it is short lived. The more time that goes by the more I realize how hard it will all really be in May when I have to put on the brakes. For real this time. Last weekend was a trial, seeing how his feelings for me really were. It is very apparently that he is falling for me, like I have fallen for him. Except the time will come when I will no longer want to be "the other girl" I will want to be "THE" girl. I know I deserve that ultimately, to not have to live a double life and to be the other part of someone else's double life. It is just a matter of how long and how much I want to get out of this all. It sucks knowing that I am perfect for him (Bond as he will like to be referred to in one of the chapters of the book of my life, maybe James) Saying that much also means that he will not want to be the person to stick around forever. Which I get it, he is afraid to break off from all that he has been used to for 5+ years. He's told me he is a people pleaser and this would ultimately be the demise of him. Eventually though he will be hurt by the one person who will get away that he will not be able to please forever, that is me.
Through all this I am learning that I do deserve to be the one and only girl. That I never should settle, and that I need to dress up and look pretty for just my self just because I want to. It does make me feel good being girly and for such a long time I hid all that inside, behind sweatpants and sweatshirts, no make up and hair in a ponytail always. He's allowing me to stand out more, I know soon I will find another guy who will want me to be his one and only. We shall see how Bond will handle that.
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