My Bronxboy

How bitter sweet this all is. Yes I know it is short lived. The more time that goes by the more I realize how hard it will all really be in May when I have to put on the brakes. For real this time. Last weekend was a trial, seeing how his feelings for me really were. It is very apparently that he is falling for me, like I have fallen for him. Except the time will come when I will no longer want to be "the other girl" I will want to be "THE" girl. I know I deserve that ultimately, to not have to live a double life and to be the other part of someone else's double life. It is just a matter of how long and how much I want to get out of this all. It sucks knowing that I am perfect for him (Bond as he will like to be referred to in one of the chapters of the book of my life, maybe James) Saying that much also means that he will not want to be the person to stick around forever. Which I get it, he is afraid to break off from all that he has been used to for 5+ years. He's told me he is a people pleaser and this would ultimately be the demise of him. Eventually though he will be hurt by the one person who will get away that he will not be able to please forever, that is me.

Through all this I am learning that I do deserve to be the one and only girl. That I never should settle, and that I need to dress up and look pretty for just my self just because I want to. It does make me feel good being girly and for such a long time I hid all that inside, behind sweatpants and sweatshirts, no make up and hair in a ponytail always. He's allowing me to stand out more, I know soon I will find another guy who will want me to be his one and only. We shall see how Bond will handle that.

I'm with the situation

I must type this out ... this is and will be a chapter that once in awhile I will want to come back to. Picture perfect memories. It will not last forever, but I definatly am enjoying it while it lasts. John is too good to be true. It makes sense that he is not true because he is married. But just the way we have been hanging out together is just like I am in a movie, or living a fairy tale. All that I need now is a soundtrack. Thursday he drives out of his way to meet up with me at the mall. He didn't have to, but he wanted to. There was such comfort there that it took me by surprise. Of course I should feel nervous and like im going to hell all the time. But i just cannot seem to feel that way. Friday, I took him to see part of my family at my friends restaurant. VERY personable, but sitting next to him with his arm around me felt so right, although I know it was so wrong. Our endless amounts of talking, although it will soon not be, have just been so heart warming and honest. Kissing him and him kissing me, wasnt strained, wasnt awkward, it came so naturally. Saturday, we fought, i cried, and yet, he still kissed me. Wanting to be around me through the good and the bad. It would make any girl feel special, and for that moment, i did. I never get this treatment, ive never got to feel this way, all this is happening for the reason that I deserve to allow myself to open up my eyes to all the wonderful things that I have to look foward to. Not with John, but with another guy. I put my guard up, im afraid, but I shouldnt be. I can have those movie kissing moments, where my arms just naturally end up around some guys next as he is kissing me. That kiss on the forehead he gave me, it can mean something with another guy. I just had to type this all down. I dont want to forget this moment in my life and the exact words phrases and feelings that I was feeling. I know this wont last forever, and I know at some point, I will have to let go, but ... through all the crap that was given to me, I deserve a little bit of attention this way.

Too Good To Be True

What a week it has been since the last time I posted. More like what a weekend! Two dates in one night, one acceptable, while the other definatly was not. But I didnt care, its not everyday I get to be treated like I did with this guy. Life is short, never pass up an opportunity. What I have learned since my 24th birthday is ... you can't help who you fall for, or who falls for you. You cannot ignore chemistry and sometimes, there is always someone better for you then who you are with. There are just a lot of people out there. You have the rare case of my parents, although my father was my mothers knight in shining armor, who saved her from a horrid marriage before. But again, that's not the norm anymore, as much as we all wished it could be.

Saturday I was given a tour around NYC, always a favorite of mine. I was taken to little Italy to this place known for their amazing cannolis (La Bella Ferrara), and well, they do live up to their reputation. This cannoli had the best texture, taste, and richness that I have never had before. Paired with a coffee and Baileys, it was amazing. I looked good and felt good, but the night was not over after that. I was given another tour, of the Bronx, somewhere I have never been to, except for the Zoo, which counts as its own little secluded part. Hearing stories of how it used to be, how nice and safe it was reminded me of many books I read about old NYC and those pictures i painted in my mind of how it used to be, came rushing back. It's a shame the Bronx is not like that at all anymore Last but not least I was driven over the Tappan Zee Bridge to Westchester county. Just more I have never seen before that I am now enriched of knowing.

Here I am, always wanting to live somewhere far thinking that it is better then what I have here, when that is not the case. He is helping me realize that. Where I live is great, and everything that surrounds me is just as much history as anywhere else I imagine I should live.

If I had restricted myself, I would have never been able to see what I did. After that day, it only gets better.

I have a great weekend coming up! :)

On My Own ~ Les Miserables

The title pretty much sums up how I am feeling. I suppose it was only a matter of time. But still, I didnt see it coming. Everyone else is to quick to judge me, and have an opinion of who I am talking to, and yet, im not allowed to do the same to them? That's ridiculous. At this point, everyone needs to keep their mouths shut and stay out of my business.

The only really joyous thing I have going on right now in my life is going to the gym. Everything else seems to be falling short of my expectations. I am fed up. I foresee a move in my future. Before I was hesitant and thought staying around here was not so bad after all, but I am beginning to rethink that statement. It's just month after month of repeated actions from back in high school.

To be simple ... I am very hurt.

Happy Groundhogs Day

Yesterday's gym session was absolutely everything I had hoped to achieve. An hour of cardio is just the most destressing thing in my life. I love how when I work out nothing else matters and I am in complete Zen. Pretty much the only time that I am able to do that.

Was asked that infamous question "what are you doing for valentines day" ya know, the one i despise. Its quite obvious I am not doing anything for valentines day. I am single, i have no dates. I am basically the only single one of my group of friends. I am a great match maker, but I can't seem to be able to match myself. Well, that's not entirely true, but for those who are traditional in their ways of thinking who "should be" right for me find no match for me at the current time. I on the other hand find that I have found one who I am interested in. Whether I should go for him or not should not be of anyone else's concern. You can't help who you become interested in or who becomes interested in you. Life is too short to restrict yourself. If the shoe was on the other foot to any of my other friends, they would think and feel exactly as I would in my given situation. It's so much easier to say "dont do it" when you are not the one that is involved. I have never been much of the traditional dater, I dont see why I need to start now. I have no regrets in my life. I don't see any other guy approaching me who is a traditional dater. I dont believe that I attract those type of guys anyway. Apparently I just have "crazy" written on my forehead to most guys. Yep, that's me alright, reckless to the bone. (much sarcasm intended)

So I sit here at an early hour, when I could be still sleeping in because it it my day off. Excited about the new style that my hair is going to be. Who knows maybe it might attract that "tradional dater" although I am sure they are all taken at this point.

First Day of My Least Favorite Month

That time again has come in which I must deal with surviving through my least favorite month that is February. For as long as I could remember this month never served me well. With all the hype of Valentines day, with all the commercials that express the kind of love that I may never have, it definitely makes one depressed, mainly me because naturally I know how I feel when I have to see and hear about all my friends in relationships who ask for my advice on what they should get or just what they are doing. Alongside with the brutal cold weather and me getting sick this time every year. I am just going to hibernate and look foward to March 1st.

Goals I have during this month are as follows:
-lose 15 pounds
-dine out only 8-10 times this month
-cook more at home
-get started on personal training sessions
-read at least 2 books

With the 15 pounds that I have already lost, another 15 is going to be so rewarding. It will cancel out the fact that this month will be exactly a year since the last time I got laid. So at least being thiner will make me feel better.

I hope the groundhog forsees spring coming sooner. Or I may just kill it :p

No time like the present

Blogging... a great way to express feelings and thoughts without annoyting your friends.

I think my friends have had enough of that. In cyberspace its much easier for thoughts and feelings to be said, perhaps seen, and then put into storage. I used to blog more when I was in middle school. It is interesting reading back on my posts. I have always been one to think and feel with a lot of passion as well of find a lot of words to express myself. It has only gotten to be more as I get older.

So i got reinspired as I watched "Julie&Julia" although I don't plan on my blogs become published into a book. That would be quite bad.

But I would like to start cooking. I have always been a secret chef according to my mother. Super creative with ingredients but show very few people. There is no reason to hold back anymore.

My most recent passion... going to the gym. The endorphin high is like no other. It is my drug. I think its quite a healthy one. More beneficial then hurtful.

As for my love life ... that's still in the works. More to follow on that later...